Why You're Not a Bad Mom for Wanting Alone Time

My go-to moments of peace include taking a walk. Sometimes, I fight going, and 5 minutes into walking, I ask myself why I don't do it more often.

Let’s speak reality: you love your kids. Like, deep, primal, "would step in front of a moving car for them" kind of love.

And yet.

If one more child slides a sticky hand under the bathroom door while you're trying to pee in peace, you might burst into a slow-motion scream and run off into the woods, or maybe the circus, because you've gotten good at juggling everything!

You're not broken. You’re not cold. You're not “bad at this.” You're human. And more specifically, you’re a mom who needs a minute.

The Myth of the Selfless Mom

There’s this unspoken expectation floating around in the parenting world that once you become a mom, you’re supposed to transform into some kind of smiling, apron-wearing, ever-present superhuman whose greatest joy is making everyone else’s sandwich before even sipping her own coffee.

Newsflash: that woman is fictional. She lives in 1950s TV reruns and probably has an off-screen nanny.

In real life, moms are over here trying to schedule dentist appointments, write work emails, referee sibling fights, and make dinner out of a pack of shredded cheese and anxiety (because cheese is our only food group we will eat this week). Alone time isn’t just a nice bonus, it's a need.

Alone Time Is a Need, Not a Luxury

From a counselor’s perspective, let me be very clear:

• Time alone helps you regulate your nervous system.

• Time alone improves your patience, your clarity, and your ability to handle your children screaming at each other over a broken crayon.

• Time alone helps you remember that you’re more than a laundry-folding, boo-boo-kissing, snack-fetching machine.

You are a person. You have a brain, and that brain needs quiet sometimes.

Even the best-intentioned tiny humans are loud. And needy. And emotionally chaotic. It’s not their fault, after all, they’re still developing executive function and self-control, but it’s also not your job to be the human equivalent of an emotional support animal 24/7. Let's be honest, even my dog needs a break from the insanity now and then. If I don't get a break soon, I'm going to be acting out of the emotional center of my brain, and grumpy mommy is not everyone's preferred version of me.

“But I Feel Guilty When I Want Space…”

Of course you do. Because the world has been telling moms for decades that if you don't spend every moment doing things for your children, you're selfish.

Let me offer you this reframe:

Guilt shows up when your values and your actions feel misaligned. In this case, your values include wanting to be a present, loving parent. But you can’t do that when you’re worried the buzzards are about to start circling overhead (hello burnout!).

Taking space is not abandoning your family. Taking space is not selfish. You taking space is a way to prevent a meltdown, yours, not theirs. You’re not escaping your role; you’re recharging for it.

There's this fantastic book that many schools use with students, called "How Full is Your Bucket." If you've never read it, take the time to do so. Please read it to your kids, and while you teach them, you're also reminding yourself of the incredible message. A quick summary of the message so you get the gist: if your bucket is running low, you are not at your best, and you take it out on others, but when you're on empty, you also can't pour into others. Let's say it louder for the moms in the back..."Self-care isn't selfish!" Taking those few moments is a way to recharge yourself so you can come back and be even more present as a parent.

When you're making yourself feel guilty for taking a few moments for your sanity, I want you to ask yourself one question..."Would I say the same thing to my best friend?" Now, I'll be honest, I may be blunt with my best friend when she needs it, but I guarantee I'm not about to tell her that she's selfish because she needs to take a moment to center herself. I would be telling her to drop the kids off and take as much time as she needs. Or, say "Hey, let's go grab coffee and meet up at the park so we can talk, the kids can run, and then take a good nap later!" Be kind to yourself!

Real-Life Alone Time That (Kinda) Works

Let’s be honest: no one’s handing you a week-long spa retreat and saying, “Go take care of yourself.”

So here are a few easy ways to sneak in a moment of peace without booking a flight to the Bahamas:

1. The Car Reset

After you park in the driveway, sit in the car. Don’t get out yet. Breathe. Listen to your music. Scroll aimlessly. Just 5 minutes. Call it your “reset".

I used to do this when I would get home from work. I would sit in my car, and eventually I would get a text from my husband asking if I was going to come inside. "Yes, after I regain my sanity." Now, I do this in the car when the kids are there. After a morning of appointments and getting the toddler a quick bite to eat, he falls asleep in the car on the ride home. I've learned to take my iPad with me so I can sit in the car and draw or watch a show from the comfort of my driveway while I have a few moments of peace. Eventually, he or one of the girls wakes up, and it's back to mom-mode, but even 5 minutes can make a difference in the rest of my day.

2. The Bathroom/Shower/Bath Escape

Lock the door. Turn on the fan. Pretend you're... solving world peace. In reality, you're just sitting on the closed toilet, taking deep breaths. That's a victory. Yes, the kids may be banging on the door, and your husband is entirely oblivious to them driving you crazy, but make yourself take the time for yourself. As long as the kids are safe, you are allowed to take a few moments.

At the end of most days, my escape is a bath. I leave my toddler with my husband to fall asleep and sneak away. If he isn't home, I sneak away as soon as my toddler is sleeping. Sure, I take the baby monitor with me and know that at any moment my bath may get cut short to handle a crying baby, but I will take what I can get! Shout out to my husband, who respects my need for this time and even does the dishes while I'm taking my space. I recognize not all partners are on top of these things, but most will be supportive and understanding if you talk to them about it. It took my husband time and multiple conversations for him to realize how important this time was for me. And, it's an ongoing conversation. Because as life happens and new kids come into the world, jobs shift, kids start activities, your routine shifts too. When our son was born, we had a conversation about self-care and then had it many times over. When the girls were born, we had the conversation yet again and continue to have it. I constantly think I'm supermom and slack off on my self-care, then get a dose of reality when I feel like pulling my hair out again.

3. The “I’m Going for a Walk”

When the kids are in someone else's hands, go outside. Alone. Walk nowhere in particular. Look at trees. Cry if you want. Listen to music. Just move. You’re not abandoning your kids, you’re showing them boundaries and self-respect. In the words of Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, "Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands." Okay, we're not getting that extreme, but physical activity does release a lot of happy chemicals in your brain and improves your mood. Time and space to yourself plus endorphins...win!

If you can't take a walk on your own, throw the kids in a wagon or stroller and go, or take them to the park! Bonus: they will be tired afterwards and hopefully take a good nap for you.

4. Bonus: Snuggle/Play With Your Pet

What did we ever do to deserve animals? Meet Buskin, my dog, and my best friend. This dog has been with me through tears, losses, moves, a marriage, and the birth of all my children. While I fully expected him to betray me for one of the kids, he has been ever faithful to me. Sure, he loves his kids, but he is a mama's boy. Thank goodness. He is such a calming presence for me. I will use him as a pillow or hug him when I need to. I never have to say what I'm feeling to him, but he always knows just what I need. Even better, he provides snuggles and then gets a toy to play with or does something goofy to make me laugh. I got oxytocin (another happy chemical in the brain) from snuggles, and then I get to refocus on joy. He always knows just what I need, a lot of animals do. If your pet is the same way, let their presence benefit you (it benefits them too).

Buskin, clearly a Good Boy and an absolute goofball who brings joy to every day.

Say This to Yourself (and Maybe Your Partner):

“I need alone time because I love my family, not because I don’t.”

That one sentence could save your sanity.

And if your inner guilt voice pipes up and says, “You shouldn’t need this,” kindly tell it to hush and go sit in the corner with all the other outdated parenting myths.

You wouldn’t expect your phone to run all day without ever being plugged in. So why are you expecting yourself to?

You’re not selfish for needing space. You’re intelligent, human, and aware that you can't pour from an empty cup...or parent from an empty soul.

So go ahead, pee with the door closed. Put on headphones. Take a minute. You're still a fantastic mom.

Share in the comments how you are going to sneak in time for yourself this week. I think I'm going to go sit out on my porch for 10 minutes and read a book after the kids go to bed.

Below is a link for the book mentioned above. Yes, it is an affiliate link and I can earn commission from it; as always, there is no pressure to buy though! My goal is to share something that I find helpful, which you may find helpful too.

How Full Is Your Bucket? A great reminder on the importance of making sure you are filling your bucket, too.